May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of location. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have One more location where American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you All people a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the task, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where friends could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting consideration from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD might have flip-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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